Jarrod

  

Me & Jarrod

  

Ronnie

  

Geoff, Amanda, Jarrod, Nicole, Ronnie

  

Ronnie, Jarrod, Nicole, Wes

  

Caitilin

  

Mikkell, Ray, Claire, Me, Jennifer

  

Amanda & Sadie

  

Alex & Heidi

  

Me & Alley

  

Jennifer & Me

  

Heidi

  

Sadie & Amanda

  

Ray & Me

  

The Cake

  

Alex

  

Kevin & Kate

  

Alex & Heidi

  

Denise & Kevin

  

Caitilin

  

Ray & Mikkell

  

Wes

  

  

Lately

I have been in a weird inbetween. I feel like I am making changes, but I can't put my finger on what exactly I am changing. It has something to do with the way I see the world I think. How I view others. It almost feels like I am growing up a little more lately. A little more fast, a little more intense... A little more serious. I guess falling down will do that to a person. Climbing back up is proving to be more difficult than previously expected. This is a welcome change.

It also occurs to me that I push people away when they are getting close. I think I am so afraid of loosing everything, it seems to be an ongoing theme in my life. My path has been full of currents, rapids and shark infested waters, and I have learned not to get to comfortable when I come across a flower lined wading pool in the springtime. I guess if I tried to stand up, plant my toes into the stones, I might be able to just walk out of the water and on to solid ground. But is this the grassy knoll where I want to rest? How much of this is in my imagination? How much is real?

I am very lucky to have what I have. There are those who have nobody at all, nothing at all, nowhere to go. I know I have it good. I'm lonely, and not because I don't have people around me, but because I have hidden my heart away. In doing so I feel as if I have locked myself away. And like a person in solitary confinement, I am going insane inside these walls. Alone.

I guess what I am trying to say, is if someone loves me, they are going to have to hit me upside the head with it for me to see it. They are going to have to grab me, hold me down and look me in the eyes and repeat it until they are blue. They are going to have to be my safe place where I can cautiously come back out into the world one step at a time. They are going to have to be the rocks I plant my toes into and the grassy knoll, and they are going to have to hold my hand as I step out of the water.

In return I will take that step. I will hold their hand back. I will plant flowers in the garden. I will sing and I will love again. I want to love again.

Is it enough?

I stumble through day by day, feeling more and more separated from everyone. I realized today that I am not loved. I mean, my daughter loves me, but not because she understands me and accepts me for who I am, she loves me because I am her mother.

I need something. More. I am thinking more and more of just picking up and leaving everything behind. There is not much left of me or my life to bring along. The only 2 reason I don't is because I realize that this feeling is inside of me, this is something I cause and it will follow me to the end of the universe, and I would feel like a bad mother if I uprooted my daughter yet again. But I still want to go. I don't even want to say goodbye to anyone. Is that bad?

I dream of someone who will kiss me goodnight. One of my deepest needs is to be needed, and I feel disposable by every adult in my life. If I were to just up and go, who would notice? Who would look for me? How long would they look? Who would be relieved?

I am a ghost. I have been asleep for years. I just want someone to find me... someone to care. Someone who will wake me up, kiss me and tell me they love me and mean it. Someone who isn't scared. Then maybe I won't be scared anymore either.

This keeps playing in my head, what does it mean?

Counting Crows
Colorblind


I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine

What to do?

Things have gotten so I can barely see anymore. It's like my brain is working so hard that there is not enough power left to opperate my eyes.

"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."

I found that quote online just now, it made me think... I have been doing that a lot lately.

Construction

My walls are back up now
and I am safe.
Lonely,
but safe

The problem with walls is that I am stuck in here with myself. My walls are thick enough that no one can hear the screams, but I can. They are deafening.

It feels like my tears are falling backwards into my head, filling me with the sorrow. My walls hold them all in. I am drowning.

But I can’t let it out.

No one can see me hurt.

I am strong.

Or at least I can pretend to be...

This is just easier than telling people what happened. I tend to cry when I say it.

[01:15] Anon: I hope it was something that you both agreed on?
[01:15] Paradisepython: no
[01:16] Paradisepython: I felt that we finally opened up about some things, and I wanted to continue the relationship, thinking that the new communications would change things for the better for both of us
[01:17] Paradisepython: I told him that we could go on, without labels, or expectations...
[01:18] Paradisepython: but he said that our friendship had grown bigger than our relationship and that he wanted my friendship more than anything
[01:18] Anon: oh, okay
[01:19] Paradisepython: and I asked him if he would really be ok with seeing me with someone else
[01:19] Paradisepython: and he said it would be hard, but not that hard
[01:19] Paradisepython: so then he asked what we were doing, and I said ending it
[01:19] Paradisepython: and he said, which aspect of it
[01:20] Paradisepython: and I said all aspects of it
[01:20] Paradisepython: and he said, even our friendship?
[01:20] Paradisepython: and I said yes
[01:20] Anon: why?
[01:20] Anon: after you'd heard him say that that was what he valued most
[01:20] Paradisepython: you know, he might be able to see me with someone else and have it not be a big deal, but I can’t do that
[01:21] Anon: well, by saying it's all over, you're telling him that you never thought the friendship was as important as the romance
[01:21] Paradisepython: I felt that we lost the friendship in the relationship, and he thought it was the other way around
[01:22] Paradisepython: the friendship is more important than the romance
[01:22] Paradisepython: you can’t have a relationship without a basis of friendship
[01:22] Paradisepython: but I can’t go backwards with him
[01:22] Paradisepython: I could with other guys, I have with other guys
[01:22] Paradisepython: but that is because I didn’t feel the same way about them as I do about him
[01:23] Anon: it would hurt too much to stop the romance and keep seeing him around all the time
[01:23] Paradisepython: yes
[01:23] Paradisepython: exactly
[01:23] Anon: I understand now
[01:23] Paradisepython: I couldn’t move on if he were in my life
[01:24] Paradisepython: he said he has no plans to date other people
[01:24] Paradisepython: he just saw that our relationship was headed down
[01:24] Anon: It all went to quickly
[01:25] Paradisepython: yes
[01:25] Paradisepython: too quickly
[01:26] Anon: but..you're the one who said it's over
[01:26] Paradisepython: no, he did
[01:26] Paradisepython: well, we both said it to different aspects of the relationship
[01:27] Paradisepython: if he would have said that he wanted to have a relationship with me, but to cool down for a little while and focus on the friendship, that would have been totally different
[01:27] Paradisepython: but he made it very clear that he did not want to do that
[01:28] Anon: actually, I was about to ask if there's anything you wish now you had said differently
[01:28] Anon: is there?
[01:28] Paradisepython: no
[01:29] Anon: so none of this was your fault?
[01:29] Paradisepython: it was
[01:29] Paradisepython: we are both at fault
[01:30] Anon: then there's something could have been done better, somewhere
[01:30] Paradisepython: yes, both sides
[01:30] Paradisepython: but not tonight
[01:30] Paradisepython: In general, I became clingy and insecure
[01:39] Paradisepython: but as for right now, I think time is the best healer for me
[01:40] Paradisepython: time and friends
[01:40] Paradisepython: being single will be good for me
[01:40] Paradisepython: if I can keep it up
[01:40] Anon: time, yes
[01:41] Anon: but I still think you should talk over what's gone down, to try and understand things better
[01:42] Paradisepython: I go back and forth from feeling ok with it, to wanting to puke

New Job

I started my new job today! I honestly like all my coworkers. So far the job involves FAR too much paperwork... I hope it keeps my interest because it seems like a great place to work. My brain feels like mush though... and I get to do it again tomorrow! HUGE PLUS: I get to park in a garage and I have my own little garage pass... No more space hunting and melted lipstick for me!!

I take it back.

Things are moving too quickly for me to be able to see what is really happening. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I give time? Should I go? I feel stupid and used. I feel ashamed. I am lost. Can I slow down? Can I take back my love and protect her and keep her safe within me? I know I can no longer let her run fee, the world has proven to be too harsh for her. Will she even survive being locked up? I am going through the motions of grabbing her by the heels and dragging her back to me, kicking and screaming, she knows what I intend to do, and she is scared. It's for her own good... she just doesn’t understand, because she is just silly love. Poor thing.

Damn Me

[21:21] paradisepython: I wish I could just go away
[21:21] paradisepython: somewhere
[21:21] paradisepython: under a rock
[21:21] paradisepython: fly
[21:22] paradisepython: drown
[21:22] paradisepython: I dunno
[21:22] paradisepython: something
[21:22] Anon: I didn't realize you felt that bad about your relationship with him...
[21:24] paradisepython: It’s complicated
[21:24] paradisepython: cuz I feel this bad
[21:24] paradisepython: but it’s only because I have never been in love before this
[21:24] paradisepython: and it’s not reciprocated
[21:24] paradisepython: and it’s finite
[21:24] paradisepython: and it’s killing me

Last Night

Last night I felt you open your heart
just a little
You reached out to me
just enough for me to notice
Subtle touches,
well placed kisses
just so I can feel it
When will our last night together be?

Am I worth fighting for?

or will you just let me slip away...

I love you

There's a bird that nests inside you
sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in
All your life is such a shame shame shame
All your love is just a dream dream dream
Open up your eyes
You can see the flames flames flames of your wasted life
You should be ashamed
You don't want to waste your life baby

-Counting Crows

What I have to say about my relationship in 2 min.

[22:00] paradisepython: and sometimes I wonder if he is ever going to love me
[22:00] paradisepython: or if I am just going to get really really really hurt
[22:00] paradisepython: I am trying so hard not to hold back my love
[22:00] paradisepython: I have to feel this
[22:00] paradisepython: even if I get hurt in the end
[22:01] paradisepython: but I lose my breath if I just look at him
[22:01] paradisepython: my heart actually skips if he touches me
[22:02] paradisepython: and sometimes I just want to grab him and shake him and scream, why dont you love me
[22:02] paradisepython: now I know why people go psycho on their so's

My Space

So I have finally created a myspace account. I am thinking about moving my every day chitchat to that site and leaving this one for my more poetic ramblings...

MySpace.com/ParadisePython



Check me out!

I like to move it, move it

Ok, still no job, running out of monies very very fast. I tried sushi for the second time tonight. I think it was tuna... the first one was salmon. It was pretty good actually! I had the tuna in a roll. So, I found out that somehow or another my husband ended up with the dog, and now he can't keep him. I would sooo totally take him but the parental unit said no, so: SUPERDUPER DOG UP FOR GRABS! He is a fantabulous dog, I shall post a pic as soon as I can. He kinda looks like a rott/boxer mix, but there are rumors that he is a pitt/bullmastiff mix. I don't really know, all I know is he rocks.

My boyfriend is leaving (for) Las Vegas tomorrow. Business trip. He'll be back on Friday I guess... Ok. Fun stuff.

My daughter is out of school soon for summer, and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to mesh that in with getting a job. ARGH. I'll be ok, either way. I have been through much much worse.

That sushi really was yummy! It was hours ago and I still feel full, which is totally unexpected.

Jarrod and I saw Madagascar tonight, what a fucking awesomeass movie!!! I highly recommend it to everybody. My favorite characters were the monkeys. They throw their poo.

I have been thinking a lot of poetry lately... you may see some if I continue to feel poetic. I haven't written poetry since I was a depressed teenager, so we'll see how well it turns out, but I think the Prozak may have taken too much of the creativity out of me to be able to pull it off. We'll see...

Moving on now...

Things seem to be settling in now, emotionally for me. It's been a bumpy ride for me lately, and I have felt like there isn't very many people for me to talk to. But right now, this second, I feel good. I am still a little lost, and sometimes I wish there was someone bigger to take my hand and show me what to do, but then I remember that I grew up. I am supposed to know what to do now, or something like that. After loosing my job I went numb, then defiant, now acceptance, and next a solution.

So...
Solution One: I am pimping myself out on Craigslist.com as an in-home tech support for REALTORS(R) in the East Bay.
Solution Two: Get a job at Caffino, or some other minimum wage but flexible place where I don’t have to think much, and go back to college
Solution Three: Find a real job where I am challenged mentally.

I really don't like solution three. I didn't even realize how easy it was for a company to fire someone, and I was dependent on that job, AND I DIDNT DESERVE IT!!

Moving on now...

Actually, everyone keeps telling me how surprised they are that I am taking it so well. I just realize that there is nothing I can do to change the fact that my employer let me go. No fits of rage, no drunken nights of self pity, no revenge. I don’t see the point, really.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had drunken nights since then, just not because of self pity... hehe

I do have a car payment to think about though..... damn car

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I got fired yesterday...

And you are missing it

I am sad. It is not something I expect you to understand. It is not something I expect you to do anything about. I am sad because an opportunity is being missed, and it is almost over. Closed. That opportunity is my heart. The door is closing. I cry at the pain of loving and not being loved in return. It fucking hurts. When things hurt me I run away. Never before have I stuck around while getting hurt for so damn long. But, finally, I feel myself begin to turn, and honestly I don't even think you notice. I am not mad. This is not your fault. This is my own doing. You are loosing me... and you are missing it.

E3

http://www.e3expo.com/index.asp

More than that

I need to refocus

What an online test has to say about me

The Liberal Beauty

You're beautiful, you have a great personality, and youre highly sexual. You're a liberal with your views and you don't put morals before everything. You're probably a great wife or girlfriend, and you know how to make sure that the ones you love are happy. You're probably fun in a conversation and I'm sure that you are as loveable as you are beautiful

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

For 7 Days...

lutiana_forever: Stars shining bright above you Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you" Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees Dream a little dream of me Say nighty-night and kiss me Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me While I’m alone and blue as can be Dream a little dream of me Stars fading but I linger on dear Still craving your kiss I’m longin’ to linger till dawn dear Just saying this Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you But in your dreams whatever they be Dream a little dream of me

Para: Good night, my love, the tired old moon is descending.
Good night, my love, my moment with you is now ending.
It was so heavenly, holding you close to me.
It will be heavenly to hold you again in a dream.
The stars above have promised to meet us tomorrow.
Till then, my love, how dreary the new day will seem.
So for the present, dear, we'll have to part.
Sleep tight, my love, good night, my love,
Remember that you're mine, sweetheart.

FEAR

My friend assures me
it’s all or nothing
I am not worried-
I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me for one time only,
Make an exception. I am not not worried

Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried - I am not overly concerned
With the status of my emotions
Oh, she says, were changing.
But were always changing
It does not bother me to say this isn’t love

Because if you don’t want to talk about it then it isn’t love
And I guess I’m going to have to live that
But, I’m sure there’s something in a shade of gray
Or something in between
And I can always change my name
if that’s what you mean

My friend assures me it’s all or nothing
But I am not really worried
I am not overly concerned
You try to tell your self the things you try tell your self to make yourself forget
To make your self forget
I am not worried...

"If it’s love", she said, "then were gonna have to think about the consequences."
She can’t stop shaking, and I can t stop touching her and this time
when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away,
And Anna begins to change her mind
"These seconds when I’m shaking leave me shuddering for days", she says.
And I’m not ready for this sort of thing

But I’m not gonna break
And I’m not going to worry about it anymore
I’m not gonna bend.
and I’m not gonna break
and I’m not gonna worry about it anymore

It seems like I should say
"As long as this is love..."
But it’s not all that easy
so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net-
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
I’ve done this sort of thing before...

But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don’t get no sleep
in a quiet room, and this time
when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away
and Anna begins change my mind
And every time she sneezes I believe it’s love
And oh lord....
I’m not ready for this sort of thing
She s talking in her sleep-
it s keeping me awake
And Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand, and Oh Lord.
I'm not ready for this sort of thing
Her kindness bangs a gong
It’s moving me along...
and Anna begins to fade away...
It's chasing me away...
she dissappears, and oh lord
I’m not ready for this sort of thing.

In the Eye

Right now I am at a calm, yet the sea of reality is storming all around me, moving so fast I cant see anything definitave at all. My hair is untangled. My eyes are still. My heart is steady. It is as if I am completely unaware of my surroundings; I am untouched.

Im crazy

I have never known anyone who made me so crazy before. I feel so scared that I am going to get my heart broken, yet I cannot stop myself. Maybe I need a little of that in my life, who knows. The way I see it, I come out ahead either way; Either I will have the most intense love I have ever felt, or I will learn a very important lesson. Both are good to have, neither will be easy or a small deal. I have never felt this way before. I have decided to just go with it, for the most part, and hand my heart over. Never before have I ever found someone who I connect with so well. It could be that I am nieve for thinking I could possibly feel this way after knowing someone for such a short ammount of time, or maybe I am wise for recognizing what is being offered to me, and not turning it away because of what I hear from the news... Either way, I don't want to fuck it up. This time I am finding it very difficult to be anything but honest, anything but completely trusing and open. This is not like me, and after what happened with my husband (previous log) one would have to think that I am crazy.

My life is falling apart

I just found out my husband has been doing speed every day for over a year. How could I not know? I am crushed. I have deceided to move back in with my parents, I really need the support right now. He moved out a few months ago and began seeing his best friends wife, stole all of my daughters baby pictures and our family pictures, and left my dog outside with no food for 4 days. (I saved the dog) He was a wonderful person, I love him so much! How could he let drugs do this to him?!? How could he do this to my family! How did he hide something so big from me for so long. I feel very very stupid.

I am new to this

Just checking this Blog thing out...